anon: Hey! If you’re okay with it, I’m putting together some notes on how being transracial and transabled affects life, specifically the dysphoria coming with it, if you’re fine with it and identify with either one can you describe what living with the dysphoria?
What is it like living with race dysphoria?
I’m not trace myself but I’d recommend unholy.wraith on Discord if you’re interested in hearing about trace dysphoria! He’s a friend of a friend and transwhite [transamerican and transgreek I believe], I think also transasian? I’ve had some really enlightening conversations with him!
What is it like living with (dis)ability dysphoria?
I am transabled and deal with high levels of body integrity dysphoria due to a near-death experience I had as a teenager. I was beside myself for years and convinced myself that I just ‘wished it was worse’ in that classic trauma way, but it was more that it felt like it had already happened except the physical signs of those injuries weren’t there
I had this experience where I regained consciousness and my leg was completely numb, that felt right. As that effect wore off and I realised my leg was actually there, the nerve damage left behind just didn’t feel right. It felt uninvited and still does
After my injury, I actually sustained extra damage to my leg because I kept bending it with my hands when I sat so that I couldn’t see below the knee and it looked like a stump from the right angle, so it wasn’t resting properly when it needed to. Doctors even referred me to psychiatry thinking I had a delusion that my leg was actually gone because of how I was acting (that wasn’t the case of course)
I still do the same sort of thing with bending it certain ways so I can’t see it properly, although I don’t really have the leg strength for it even now so I still have to use my arms and friends notice it quite a lot
Through therapy, I’ve been able to process some more of my trauma which means that looking at my leg doesn’t bring up as many bad memories, but it was a big problem for me for many years and just seeing it there would trigger a lot for me and remind me of the injuries it sustained and things like that
As for how it feels currently, I think I’m at a similar point as some of my transgender friends who can’t physically transition but would benefit from it – if I sit and think about it deeply, it makes me really upset, but in everyday life I have to keep distracted where possible or else I’d just be sad all the time. There’s no point in that
There are lots of things we wish could be the case, and with enough thinking about them we can put ourselves in really dark places. But ultimately, if nothing can be done, we have to keep living and experience joy in spite of it all
Are you a radqueer with an answer to this question? Feel free to answer it with a reblog or comment, or submit a post to my blog!